Someone asked me this week, “What do I think about all the time?” I was a little afraid to peel back the onion for the answer and knew I needed some time to “noodle” on it. To be honest, a lot of my thinking pours out onto journal pages each morning, so I started there… and it kinda broke my heart.
Poured out onto those pages is wrestling (some days are more dramatic than others) with the life I feel God calling me to live and where I am at now. My achiever self then turns almost every entry into trying to figure out the “how.” I begin to tackle this gap with time management, prioritization, boundaries, best yes’s, goals, rewards – it’s all in there. Multiple times. Multiple ways. And the brutal truth is that after ALL the wrestling and the planning and the strategizing, I am probably not any closer to taking action on it than I was the day before or will be tomorrow –even though I bought new Sharpies, Post-its, organized my office, sharpened all of my Ticonderoga #2 pencils, mastered my planner and have a fool proof plan. Staples LOVES me when I am in this mode. So what am I am always thinking about? The gap between the life I live and the un-lived life within me.
The weight of this gap is heavy and when I let it, which unfortunately is often, it crushes my spirit and keeps me up late, pushing healthy boundaries so I can put in extra time to try to narrow it. And for all of the countess hours and trips to Staples that I have put into planning for tomorrow, when I will FINALLY begin to close that darn gap, the power to alter my destiny is gone. Why? Because tomorrow, becomes tomorrow, becomes tomorrow… how toxic is that? Sounds like a habit – but I’ll have to chew on that another day because I have more bad news… it gets worse.
When my spirit is crushed, I look for something, anything, to make me feel validated and approved of… or loved. And how distracting is that? I get all situated at my desk, ready roll. Dog is snoozing, coffee is brewed, Young Living diffuser is going with my BELIEVE essential oil, tasks for the day are laid out in my perfectly organized planner and the somehow instead of taking that step, I find myself taking a “quick” twirl on Facebook, which usually turns into an extended stay, followed up by a side trip to Amazon.com or to my fridge because I couldn’t possibly wait until lunch for my next meal. Then, a very appealing coffee date with a friend pops up so I say “yes,” instead of doing that thing God is calling me to do… because what’s one more day? Good grief, I think one more day will bury me… ugh.
With 2016 right around the corner (because where on earth did October go?!), will you chew on this with me? I am going to be praying for God to lead us and to give us more clarity around closing this gap – my spirit needs it! But for today, what I have is what I have lived since answering that fateful question late last night. Just take one step toward the un-lived life within you. One step is far more valuable on this earth than a lifetime of well planned out tomorrows. Easier said than done, obviously. I see a spiritual Fitbit on the horizon, how cool would that be?
Any gap closers out there? How do you work daily to close the gap between the life you live and the un-lived life within you? Do share! xo